Ok, I'm admittedly a tad buzzed. I'm also a cluster f%*k of emotions. So much crazy happenings. I'm happy, sad, anxious, nervous, & excited

I'm a self-proclaimed F-up!!

Not literally, but yes I am. I've come to the realization that despite my best efforts to make thing better, I seem to hurt the ones I care about. I don't know if this is the simple byproduct of being emotionally invested or because we all have expectations. For a long time I've thought, "expectations only set up disappointment". I know that sounds pessimistic, but there is truth in it. However, we need expectation. Expectation gives us the promise of something greater, something to hope for, most importantly, something to aspire to be.

I say all this philosophical mumbo jumbo to say that, I find myself unintentionally hurting people I would never do anything to. I don't have the capacity to be malicious, but I'm aware that my insecurities can subconsciously pull me away from people. I'm not sure if its attributed to my past experiences or a coping mechanism. I don't know if I'm even making sense at this point....

Point is, it hurts when you hurt those you care about.

Real Talk

So its MAAAAAAD early in the AM, and I'm listening to old demos of me and my folk. I can't shake the thought, "Damn, we've been doing this a long time together." Its wild because as close as I am to both these people, I feel incredibly distant from them. We've been through so much together, whether bogus shows, car accidents, birth of babies, losing family members, making music, and everything else that came in between.

Its crazy because I've gotten into more arguments with "real" girlfriends about the girl in the crew than I have any other girl I know!!!JOKES!!!! Now my dude, we've admittedly been through our growing pains. Things is, despite everything, he's always been there AND looked out!!!

I don't attribute this feeling right now to simple nostalgia, but knowing that both these people have very special places in my heart. Regardless of what we go through though, I love y'all. Hopefully y'all know that. I guess at the moment I'm more overcome by missing them.

*Note to self: BE A BETTER FRIEND: check on Dre & Elijah

Its wild because they've not only shaped me, but have been there at so many significant moments. Thank you

BTW, I'm listening to "Hopes & Halo".... most of y'all won't know that song unless you were in the studio when I recorded it.

I'm a HATER!! Congrats Mr.Bryant, but I'm still not a fan.

The Thread That Binds Us Part 2

This is for...
my boy who am I bound to because we matured while living by trial & error
my friend who I am bound to because we are inherently destined to do music
my friend who I am bound to because we understand the need/want to be appreciated
my dude who I am bound to because we braved a new situation together
my homegirl I am bound to because of sincerity
my friend I am bound to because we are driven to not only be successful, but GREAT
my friend I am bound to because despite our flaws, we see truth in each other
my friends I am bound to by virtue of going to the same school
my friend I am bound to because we never accepted marginal success academically
my fam who I am bound to because at an early age, we recognized our love for Hip-Hop
THE girl I am bound to because because we saw through the mediocrity & expected more
my friends I am bound to because we sacrifice stability and pursue our dreams instead
my friends I am bound to by the superficial thread of being "FRESH" and gearing
my friends I am bound to because we stayed up late dreaming of being on Stretch & Bob
my friends I am bound to because.....


The Incomparable Shakepeare

"The Thread That Binds Us .. Part 2 coming soon.

The Incomparable Shakespeare

The Thread That Binds Us

As you may know, most of my blog entries are usually sparked by a conversation, and this one is no different. While talking to a friend about relationships, I said something along the lines that "every relationship can be reduced to one single commonality that will bind the 2 people for ever."

I firmly believe this to be true, so let me explain. I have a friend, who in many ways is like family. I don't speak to him very often, but we are ALWAYS there for each other in time of need. Funny thing is, the relationship began because of a shared experienced that shaped us forever. He lost his dad, and shortly after, I lost my mom. In retrospect, the circumstances of our losses were similar. Both of our parents were our only foundation, so in losing them, we lost almost everything. There was a mutual heartache, void, and understanding, that only we were able to communicate to each other. Now I understand that many people experience the loss of loved ones, but at 16 & 17, I don't believe many understood the process of maturing while living your life by trial and error. In many ways that is the cohesive thread that bound us, and still keeps us close. Ultimately we were left to grow up on our own, maintain our sanity, all the while coming to grips with adolescence and adulthood.

I have another friend that I am bound to by an unconditional love for music. This is not an ordinary love, or a simple "I wanna do music" kind of thing. Its the feeling that this is our birth right and we were inherently destined to do so.

My point is, if you look at the people you are close to, you can probably reduce your relationship to "1 thread". Sometimes these threads can be negative, like friends who are only close because they do dirt together i.e Thelma and Louise. Oftentimes these situations are the worst because they are predicated not so much on the commonality, but fear. Its the fear that one person can expose the other. So when both parties have leverage, they decide to "ride out" together.

Lately I've been thinking about the experiences that tie me to people, but more importantly how they care for our "thread". I definitely feel that when you truly begin to understand why you connect with someone, you can exist harmoniously as long as your thread is upheld and cherished. However when violated, things get ugly. 'Nuff Said. 1

Friendship

WOW!!!! 2 new posts on 1 early Monday morning!!!

My boy Absolute once said, "I used to click with people for the strangest of reasons. As the seasons change, most of them change with the seasons."

I've openly stated that I've been re-evaluating some of my relationships or so called "friendships". You would naturally think the people you rock out for the hardest would be the ones that do the same for you, but I've come to learn that isn't necessarily true. I've come to accept change, but lately I've been confronted by it more often than I would admittedly like.

While talking to a friend earlier, it became blatantly apparent, that sometimes you have to let things/people go. Not to say you have to cut them out of your life, but if the dynamic of a relationship has changed, you must embrace the change and not feel guilty for doing so. As simple as it sounds, its hard...very hard.

Inspired!!!

As you may all know, my personal life is oftentimes in disarray. Despite searching for order amongst the chaos, I can legitimately say I'm inspired by music. Specifically Hip-Hop. Nowadays, I rarely listen to anything other than "true School" Hip-Hop, but lately Drake & Asher Roth have been able to take me to this introspective place I haven't been in awhile.

Asher for instance, has this incredible record titled "His Dream" which is about his father's sacrifices which in turn afforded him the luxury of pursuing music. Its beautiful, but most importantly it makes me think of my sister and all the sacrifices she has made for me since our mom passed. Just the thought alone makes me tearful, guilty, yet eternally grateful. Thank you Antoinette.

Drake's "Successful" had me near tears a few nights back because it took me somewhere and reminded me how much I LOVE Hip-Hop. As a kid, I never wanted to be a cop, a firefighter, or an astronaut. All I ever wanted to do was draw and rap...literally. This song spoke to me, and the fact I never let the pressures of a conventional life interfere with my personal calling.

Its amazing when music can not only make your body move, but also your heart. I'm inspired!!!

Some Random Stupidity

I must admit, I'm definitely late to the party, but I have a newfound appreciation for Dipsy Doodles. I know they are a staples of every bodega worldwide , but I was frontin'. Recently a friend tried to put me on to the new barbeque flavored ones, but I wasn't feeling it. However I have seen the light. Those little "wavy corn chips" have officially become my favorite hood snack du jour. That all... 1

I'm Sorry Y'all

I've been so chaotic that I haven't updated my blog, in what feels like ages. I'll get back to my regular schedule. Promise. Either way, I hope all is well out there folks. Talk to you soon. 1