Moral Dilema

Today my character was tested. I received a message inquiring about someone I know, and I became the gateway to an opportunity for them. However this person and I no longer speak, and I believe their most recent actions have proven to be quite juvenile. Long story short, it was an issue of our personal drama versus their professional advancement. Without going into detail about either situation, I did what I felt was right.

I think deep down, my issue wasn't whether or not I would help, but would they ever do the same if put in a similar situation. Based on their recent actions, or lack thereof, I'd have to say no. However, as an adult, I'm aware that you shouldn't be motivated by returns on your personal/emotional investments, although most people are. In my previous entries, I've recently discussed searching for clarity and happiness while finding balance by following my instincts. I'd be lying if I said a part of me didn't think twice about shutting the situation down, but I knew it would be wrong. This is easily a scenario where my anger and resentment could have gotten the best of me, but I didn't let it. I say all of this because it taught me something about myself during an incredibly trying time.

By no means am I trying to pat myself on the back, nor do I feel I'll earn doble karma points for my actions. In this game we call life, we should do what is right because it is, and I was reminded of that today. This particular indiviual will likely never come across this post or even know how intergral I was in helping them get one of their biggest "looks" in recent memory. The thought that they'd probably never acknowledge or appreciate my role in this whole thing is a bit unsettling, but I'm happy for them nonetheless.

Clarity

For some time now, I've been very aware that certain thing in my life aren't straight. Not to say that's it's disorganized or in complete disarray, but I know some areas need tweaking. I think back in February I began my expedition to find both clarity and happiness. Unfortunately, some people were hurt along the way. It was the furthest thing from my intentions, but I've fully come to realize that you can't run away from your conscience. That little voice contributes so much to our character, and it won't lie to you. You can fight it, try to supress it, deny it, create alternate rationalities, and/ or continue with the fuckery, but that "truth" is inescapabale. So after doing all of the aforementioned, I've decided to attentively listen.

More and more I find myself following my gut. There have been quite a few instances where the people closest to me have disagreed with my actions, but no one is more aware of my feelings than I am. So instead of running away from those gut intstincts, I embrace them and run towards it. I'm in a different place now. I'm no longer in denial.

"I've got a ticket to success and it's one way. My plane is on the runway... I'm taking off with no baggage."

Truth...

In a previous blog entry, I used a quote which I think should be used again. So here it goes...

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time."
-- Sara Paddison

Here's another personal joint I never leaked

"Love Is Like A Movie" - DOWNLOAD

Missing You

Today has been a crazy day to say the least. Around 12 AM I got great news. Somewhere around 9 AM, I got even more fantastic news. Finally around 12:30 PM, I received quite possibly the best news of the day; my sister was ready to have the baby. Congrats to her, my brother-in-law, and the entire family because we have a new edition. As I sat in the hospital room with her though, I couldn't escape a feeling of emptiness. It was joyous on so many levels, but for me, it was bittersweet. Something was missing.

By no means was I going to be the kill joy and ruin the moment, but I was definitely missing my mom. There have been many moments where I wished she was alive to simply witness, partake in, and be around for including my sister's wedding, my graduation, and many lesser things like meeting my girlfriends. However, today must have been one of the toughest. My mom would always say "I just want to see you grow and become a man", but unfortunately she never could since losing her at 16. In some round about way though, I think that same growth she wanted to see in me is directly correlated to being around for the birth of her grandchildren. I was overcome by such strong feeling, I literally held back my tears. The only person I knew that could relate to me was either my sister or my boy Soo Kim. Soo Kim couldn't be reached and obviously I wouldn't bring it up to my sister, but I can't help but think that similar thoughts ran through her mind.

I'm not trying to put a damper on a wondrous occasions because I'm as ecstatic as anyone. I'm happy for my sister and grateful for the personal sacrifices I feel she has made for me. I think I'm simply reminded of my mom at a time like this, and I wish she was still around.

Mommy, I love you. I miss you. I know you're still watching over me and guiding us, but there are moments I wish you were here in the physical form. I think writing this will make me cry, but XOXO. I love you. Just know that I'm cognizant of your presence and blessings

As for you Jason, "Despite my stress dude, I'm plotting my next move cause I gotta win for my newborn nephew." Uncle Shake has got you.

Growing Pains

The last 24 hours of my life have been the most tumultuous in recent memory. I can't remember feeling so much inner turmoil, confusion, and a cluster fuck of other emotions all at once. However, I am inspired. I've been meaning to blog about this for a while, but never got around to it. Not sure I'm in the mood to do it now, but I can say that I find solace in the fact that I'm planning the most epic release for any of my projects. The British Invasion is THAT deal, and I think a lot of people will be surprised. Beyond that, I think I've created my greatest body of work thus far. I also enjoy the fact that my own music is inspiring me. Typically I find inspiration in other music because I'm a still a fan, but these days listening to my own songs have been therapeutic. It's weird, but it confirms I'm doing something right. I'm living vicariously through myself....JOKES!!! I'll leave you with few quotables in addition to a few songs.

"You don't control my destiny, so I figured why let'em get the best of me. Haters tried to play me like a checker piece, but I'm more strategic. It's more like chess to me." me - "Keep On" from The British Invasion

"And as for the critics, tell me I don't get it. Everybody could tell you how to do it, they never did." Jay-Z "Already Home"

Here's an unreleased joint

Good Bye (prod. by the RL) - DOWNLOAD

Faith Restored

Tonight I literally witnessed something I wouldn't have thought to be true. Not because it's impossible, but because my perception and faith in a person was so pristine. I guess I was jaded. The irony, (you won't get it) but that's another story for a later day. Shouts to the homie Soo Kim, I miss you brother. Back to tonight though. I had put a lot of faith in someone, unlike any other before them, but my faith dwindled within seconds. I almost don't believe what I saw, but fortunately I wasn't the only person that saw it. Considering all the things I could have seen based on location, time, mood, and all the other worldly variables, God intended me to see what I saw. It was meant to be.

However, in a very funny turn of events, someone was able to restore it. Maybe "restore" isn't the best choice of words. What I really mean to say is, I found faith in someone. To my new friend, thank you. You helped put things in perspective, and to you, I am indebted. I appreciate it.... I am shedding my skin.

Mos Def, Thought, and Em Going In!!!!

2 of my favorites (Thought and Em). Mos bodies it too though. Props to Young of OnSMASH and Dre

Wonderwall

So my 2nd leak off the British Invasion has been making it's rounds on the net. You can listen and download it for FREE

download: HERE

What A Show

All I can say is that after last night's performance, I can't see myself performing without a band from here on. It was cool to play with the crowd in a way like I've never done before. Having a band just lends itself to improvisation, and that type of freedom while performing is new to me. I was nervous because I've never done it, and that was also compounded by the fact I was doing new material too. Despite having a hoarse voice all week and the mic being nervous, the crowd was visibly receptive. It was great to see people literally dance to songs off my upcoming project "the British Invasion". It was just a phenomonal show all around. I have to give huge props to Saretta Wesley, Yah Supreme, and Nakia Henry, who absolutely bodied it. I'll have pics and vids up soon hopefully.

The "New" Underground

I personally think it's wack!!!! Okay, so it's CMJ time, and I've been to a few of the events this week. I even participated in a few. Now I can't say how the shows were for other genres of music, but I can say the Hip-Hop shows that I went to were pretty lame. Not so much because of the talent, but more so the mentality. Now I am an elitist, and I ride my own d**k musically. However, I'm aware of my relevance, popularity, and overall rank on the Hip-Hop totem pole. Let's just say I'm not very high despite having a successful video, and having a solid net presence. Thing is, artists with less stroll around as if they're superstars even though no one knows them. I've prided myself on seeing and trying to be a part of "the BIG picture". You know, mentioned amongst the Jay-Zs, Kanyes, and T.I.s of the world. However, I think these kids are completely self absorbed because they are content rapping for their 3 friends and 2 rapper associates. It's pretty pathetic to see rappers perform in venues that aren't even a 1/4 filled, yet they act as if they have a following. I think to myself, "what are you in it for?" Marginal success is failure by my standards, and these kids aren't even marginally successful.

I think my biggest disappointement is to see kids whom I am a fan of, not making any progress and caught in this wild cycle of rapping for themselves. I guess my point is, why rap or be ILL if you never reach the people who will be able to truly appreciate it? As I saw folks I hadn't seen in months, they were all like "Shake the video is hot", while I'm thinking, "I've seen you perform here 1,000 times already." I'm not saying I'm in a better position than anyone, but I try to make progressively bigger moves. My sincere advice to anyone that raps and reads this is, create a fanbase. A real fanbase of fans, not peers and critics.

The excitement I had as a teenager while playing the same scene is completely gone. I've been to events where the lines would wrap around the corner to see groups that were relative unknows except to Hip-Hop enthusiats. Nowadays, it just doesn't happen. I don't think music has changed THAT much. I think it's more the quality of music that's changed. Years ago, I'd see groups that had the potential to make the transition from underground to Top 40 radio. Now, I just don't see it. It was great to be a part of the era that gave birth to Jay-Z, Mobb Deep, Common, Eminem, and The Roots. Where is that today? Wherever it's at, it surely wasn't what i saw at CMJ this week.

Double Edged Sword

Over the past few weeks, I've had a lot of time to think about my life. I'm fully aware of the decisions I've made, specifically choosing to pursue my dreams in music. However, these days it becomes blatantly apparent that this lifestyle choice not only affects me, but also everyone around me. It's directly impacted friendships, intimate relationships, and my relationship with family members. I think to myself, on one hand, I should be proud that I stuck to my guns and didn't conform to the conventional life everyone expects me to. It's not so much that I don't have the capacity to put on a shirt and tie, (hell I do when I'm on stage) but I refuse to work for a company that will exploit me, pay me less than I'm worth, and barely acknowledge my contributions. Yet, as I invest all my time, energy, and capital into music, I often find myself either sacrificing something or altogether broke. At what point do you say it's time to shift gears?

By no means am I giving up on music or even implying that I will. What I am saying though, is that I have to take a much more serious look at how this impacts my day to day. One specific situation comes to mind where I know deep down, music may have been the demise of a relationship. Not so much the music itself, but the decisions I chose thereafter. Long story short, after getting into a car accident in 03, I decided to focus on music and haven't worked a "regular job" since. I went from teaching in a private school everyday to pursuing my music and creating an inconsistent, but good side hustle. Hustle of the legal kind that is. I meshed my love of music and knowledge in education and started doing curriculum development. Thing is, this side hustle brought in great money, but it wasn't enough to balance everything in my life. What happened next is a snowball effect of misunderstandings, bad communication, arguments, and finally a heart wrenching split.

I fully accept accountability for the decisions I've made. I firmly stand by them. I'm just not sure if they were best. I think to myself, is it worth not working and just doing music? Is it possible to do both? I personally know people that have a real passion to do music, but because of their 9-5 commitments, their love is more like a hobby. My worst fear is that I'm like them. Actually, prior to the accident, I was one of them. The folks that dream, but never get to realize them. The folks that want to grind, but only get in the studio a few times a month if even that much. I'm aware that the past few sentences are skewed in my favor, but between my personal experience of "surviving" and their experience of working, I think I have a balanced perspective.

When you get down to the root, what I'm really saying is that something will ultimately suffer. There's always going to be a trade off. For instance, I have already accepted that when I become a music mega star and mogul, I'll never be able to do normal things. Kanye said it best on "Welcome To Heartbreak" when he recites "My god sister getting married by the lake/ but I couldn't figure out who I wanna take/ Bad enough that I showed up late/ I had to leave before they even cut the cake/ Welcome to Heartbreak." Whether you like Hip-Hop's resident brat or not, those are some of the most sincere words ever uttered by a rapper. It's ill not because of the lyrics per se, but the conflict he illustrates between balancing stardom and his personal life. Getting back to my point though, it's tough. I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry to the unintentional victims of my decisions. For your sake, I wish it didn't have play out this way.

Maybe my real issue is time management. Who knows? I'll end with a little anecdote that doesn't necessarily fit into this whole post, but does in a weird way. The other day while email chatting, someone asked, "why'd you spend all that time in college if it isn't to get a job". My response was, "for me. It wasn't a means to a corporate job, but because I wanted to." Maybe that's the difference between me and most people. I do what I want to get what I want, while others just follow the pre-structed "Matrix" patterns. However, the real question is, what happens when you don't get the results you want?

Freshmen Adjustment

so I'm going through a lot right now, and I feel out of place, out of pocket, and at times, out of my mind. I guess that's what geniuses are made of. That all....