What up y'all? It's been a minute since I've posted anything. So I'll take this moment to apologize to the 2 people that still occasionally check this out.
I'm legitimately confused and sad right now. Let me start off by saying that I'm incredibly fortunate that I have more than a handful of what I consider "true friends". I'm talking about that unconditional "rock out for you through thick and thin" kind of friendships. I couldn't be who I am right now without such a solid support system. I'd also like to think that I've been a good friend to many people. I'll openly admit, I can be a flop at times. Shit, I have a few people that have unofficially disowned me because they haven't seen me in ages. Regardless, they know deep down, I'm there at a moment's notice if and when they need me.
The other thing is, I'm a tough cookie. Very rarely do I ask anyone for anything. My pride doesn't allow for it. Attribute it to my stubbornness or whatever, but it's definitely a shortcoming. I usually justify it by a saying my mom always used to tell me; " you have to learn to live without". When I think of all the things I've been through like losing a parent or crashing through a windshield, I've learned to roll with life's curveballs. The experiences have shaped me in a very unique way.
Anywho, I've progressively found myself being the person that friends come to for advice or being their "rock" in moments of weakness and vulnerability. I'm not sure what it is about my personality or character, but they do. Its something I gladly welcome. I'll openly take on the burdens, issues, baby daddy/mama dramas, heartaches, and troubles of my loved ones because that's what friends do for each other. But for the first time I see myself cracking. I'm not as strong...not for them, but myself. Although my life has been far from ideal and spiraled out of control a few times, I've always persevered.
From where I stand right now though, I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak, disappointment, or betrayal. The few things left that I considered sacred have been shattered for the most part. The saddest part is knowing that I have amazing people around me, but no one to hold me down emotionally. That's not to say my friends can't or won't be there. There isn't a doubt in my mind that they are and will be. But what I NEED right now is something very different. These are the times I miss my mom most.