Today has been a crazy day to say the least. Around 12 AM I got great news. Somewhere around 9 AM, I got even more fantastic news. Finally around 12:30 PM, I received quite possibly the best news of the day; my sister was ready to have the baby. Congrats to her, my brother-in-law, and the entire family because we have a new edition. As I sat in the hospital room with her though, I couldn't escape a feeling of emptiness. It was joyous on so many levels, but for me, it was bittersweet. Something was missing.
By no means was I going to be the kill joy and ruin the moment, but I was definitely missing my mom. There have been many moments where I wished she was alive to simply witness, partake in, and be around for including my sister's wedding, my graduation, and many lesser things like meeting my girlfriends. However, today must have been one of the toughest. My mom would always say "I just want to see you grow and become a man", but unfortunately she never could since losing her at 16. In some round about way though, I think that same growth she wanted to see in me is directly correlated to being around for the birth of her grandchildren. I was overcome by such strong feeling, I literally held back my tears. The only person I knew that could relate to me was either my sister or my boy Soo Kim. Soo Kim couldn't be reached and obviously I wouldn't bring it up to my sister, but I can't help but think that similar thoughts ran through her mind.
I'm not trying to put a damper on a wondrous occasions because I'm as ecstatic as anyone. I'm happy for my sister and grateful for the personal sacrifices I feel she has made for me. I think I'm simply reminded of my mom at a time like this, and I wish she was still around.
Mommy, I love you. I miss you. I know you're still watching over me and guiding us, but there are moments I wish you were here in the physical form. I think writing this will make me cry, but XOXO. I love you. Just know that I'm cognizant of your presence and blessings
As for you Jason, "Despite my stress dude, I'm plotting my next move cause I gotta win for my newborn nephew." Uncle Shake has got you.