Wednesday, February 18, 2009


As long as I can remember, there have always been unspoken, but what I assumed to be, understood codes. These are basically codes of ethics that apply to certain situations and relationships. In the hood, we follow street code. So for instance, under no circumstance do you smash your dude's girl. Nor do you rock with the enemies of a friend. I bring this up because in relationships of any sort, we all have this mutual understanding that's never explicitly stated. The problem is, not everyone understands this.

My close friend had a dude she used to jump off with, but later found out he became involved. The problem is, the dynamic of their relationship was such, that they both understood they were "homie lover friends". LOL. So when dude didn't inform her that he was getting involved, she felt betrayed. Not because she wanted to be with him, but because they were cool enough that he could have kept it real with her. She shouldn't have found out through 3rd parties or through other means. This is a perfect example of code being broken. Based on their relationship, I think dude is lucky that homegirl didn't do something malicious because she may have been justified in doing so. Their "code" of trust was forever broken.

Thing is, when you break code, you have to accept full accountability for the consequences that follow. I've seen ass whippings and even more violent acts handed out because of code violations. Point is, never expect things to be the same once code is broken. If you value your friends or whatever relationships you have, be cognizant of the unwritten, unspoken rules that govern your bond!!

Just my thoughts...


R said...

LOL "Homie Lover Friends?"


I been saying for years that common sense is an antique.....rather a fossil or remnant of the past. We run into problems when we ASSUME everyone is on the same page and ASSUME everyone understands "the code(s)."

You could go on forever on this topic homie.

Vee (Scratch) said...

I really like this post. And while I agree with you that you should be aware of the implicit, the unwritten and/or unspoken . . . I've learned over time that for better effective communication I choose to be explicit. I want to be as clear as possible.

The kind of bond that you're describing takes years to develop. To really develop that kind of relationship there has to be a certain level of trust and understanding. Understanding that people change. Understanding that people have the tendencies to disappoint. Everybody have their flaws. A relationship like that must have the capacity to forgive. I can go on but one of the most important things in a relationship with a code of trust and unwritten rules is strength and a common ground.

For the most part I feel that people are afraid to be themselves and afraid of accepting whatever consequences of their actions.

I appreciate this post because it sparked so many thoughts in my head. It has me thinking about how difficult it is for people to really speak their minds, be truthful to themselves, knowing that their words or action will hurt others.

. . . if you don't know or are not aware of the unwritten mores, watch your back.

Ms. Liryc said...

The problem with unwritten codes is that they are more often times misunderstood, or misinterpreted.

Case of your homey with her homey, lover, friend. He wanted to keep the relationship with her and have his main girl in the picture. But he figured if I told her that I was with someone she would cut me off because she'd feel a way about being with me while I was involved so to not have to worry about that I would rather not say anything.

The codes that we live by sometimes works and other times they do not, because there are some fine lines that aren't understood. He understood the fact that he was with her as "side piece" but he misunderstood the honesty of their relationship because he was just the "side piece" he didn't feel obliged to have to tell her because she wasn't his main chick.

Sometimes things need to be said, not everyone knows the rules of the unwritten or unspoken codes

The Incomparable Shakespeare said...

I think all of your insights are very much on point. You all contribute incredibly valid points. Thing is, we all came up in a different era when your word and actions were your bond. If a friend got jumped, you would be excommunicated if you didn't help. Its similar to your neighbors whipping your ass for getting in trouble before your parents got to you. It was just an UNDERSTOOD code. Nowadays, I feel like people are cut of a different, much cheaper cloth, and don't keep 100. Considering that I know most of my close friends for 10+ years, I rarely encounter the BS. However, when I meet new people, I learn sooner than later that they're just not on the same page.